he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
