She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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