Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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