tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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