at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
is it fun? or sober?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
