At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
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I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
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Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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