so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
