i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
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we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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