He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
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He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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