Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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