I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I DEMAND FORESKIN
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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