I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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