I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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