I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
