i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
