i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
