my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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