Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
