Got a toothbrush?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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