Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
