I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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