I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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