I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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