I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You have to summon your inner elephant
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
