I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
