So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
