i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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