Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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