Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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