gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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