new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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