i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
