SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
