Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
