The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
