If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
