Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?