Texts From Last Night

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  (315): View more from New York

  He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.

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  (315): He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out. http://tfl.nu/k9ox
  Replies (18) Good night (5107) Bad night (513)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.

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  (540): Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring. http://tfl.nu/sgce
  Replies (18) Good night (1046) Bad night (3402)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her

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  (414): i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her http://tfl.nu/iw7s
  Replies (13) Good night (1338) Bad night (4036)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back

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  (215): while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back http://tfl.nu/nfcm
  Replies (7) Good night (3558) Bad night (807)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.

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  (604): Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza. http://tfl.nu/qm6i
  Replies (4) Good night (2199) Bad night (1234)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

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  (856): I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything. http://tfl.nu/b77d
  Replies (8) Good night (3818) Bad night (764)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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  (919): My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it. http://tfl.nu/7nca
  Replies (27) Good night (2909) Bad night (636)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.

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  (706): We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods. http://tfl.nu/j300
  Replies (2) Good night (992) Bad night (359)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

  (315): View more from New York

  Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

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  (202): Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse? (315): Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance. http://tfl.nu/q51f
  Replies (2) Good night (838) Bad night (286)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

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  (617): Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present. http://tfl.nu/s10t
  Replies (4) Good night (1521) Bad night (414)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.

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  (954): I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/1wnj
  Replies (5) Good night (746) Bad night (395)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.

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  (780): Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house. http://tfl.nu/7s2y
  Replies (0) Good night (310) Bad night (569)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place

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  (571): A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place http://tfl.nu/vals
  Replies (5) Good night (1244) Bad night (261)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  I feel so bad for your roommate

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  (206): Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame" (1-206): I feel so bad for your roommate http://tfl.nu/tybq
  Replies (3) Good night (751) Bad night (191)
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood

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  (787): Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood http://tfl.nu/bkre
  Replies (1) Good night (362) Bad night (215)

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