if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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