I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
