Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
