Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
