How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
