I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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