anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
