youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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