it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
