I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
