I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
