I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
