So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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