Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
