Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
