The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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