I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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