I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
