i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
