My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
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Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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