can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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