God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
