they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
