FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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