just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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