probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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