you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
